Category Archives: Fake Weather

Windsorites Advised to “Suck it Up and Stop Complaining About the Heat” by a Grumpy Old Man

A crotchety old man who has lost his ability to put up with bullshit from young people has issued a press release detailing how we should deal with this massive heatwave. Below is a list of tips that Felix R. Jackson, a retired plumber and father of five ungrateful, spoiled kids who never call him anymore has compiled to help us stay cool during this current heatwave, and the many, many more which are sure to come in the ensuing months.

 

Six Tips to Stay Cool When it’s Hot – By Felix R. Jackson

 

  1. Stop whining. Whining makes everything worse. It doesn’t make anything better. No one wants to hear how hot and uncomfortable you are. I took a bullet in Normandy. THAT was uncomfortable. You aren’t going to die, so shut up and stop whining. You’ll make it. Just drink some water.

     

  2. Yeah I KNOW IT’S HOT OUTSIDE. The next person I hear telling me, “Boy, it sure is hot out,” I’m going to strangle them. We all know it’s hot out. We don’t need you to tell us it’s hot outside. It’s not news. It’s not an observation worth anything when everyone knows it’s hot outside. Stop pointing out the obvious. You don’t see me walking around at night saying, “Boy, it sure is dark out here isn’t it?” Stop it.

     

  3. When you have air conditioning on, CLOSE THE DOORS AND WINDOWS. I can’t tell you how many times I had to yell at my kids and their kids for doing that at my house. I’m not Rockefeller, and I’m not going to cool down the outside.

     

  4. If you have a pool and someone you know doesn’t, don’t rub it in their face. Yeah, it’s great you have a pool to go home to and take a dip in it. No one cares. No one cares about what you have at your house unless they are casing the joint and want to steal your stuff. Go home, take a dip in your pool and shut the hell up about it.

     

  5. STOP TELLING JOKES ABOUT THE HEAT. You aren’t funny. It’s not funny that people can’t breathe, sweat to the point of dehydration, and get heat stroke. Did you know that a lot of people have to work in places where there’s no air conditioning? I did for 44 years. It’s like exercising for eight plus hours in a sauna, every day, for a month. Plus, back then, they’d give you SALT TABLETS to chew on if you were sweating too much. Sounds like fun doesn’t it?

     

  6. For the news – SMOG ADVISORIES ARE POINTLESS AND NO ONE LISTENS TO THEM OR KNOWS WHAT THEY MEAN. I’ve never heard anyone change their daily routine due to a “smog alert.” What the hell IS a smog advisory anyway? Yeah, it’s Windsor. We get a lot of smog. It’s a fact of life here. Putting out an advisory about doesn’t do anything. I think they should change the name of “Smog Advisory” to “No Shit Sherlock Advisory”. Idiots.

 

 

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Bad Weather Being Blamed on Art in the Park

By Brendan Houghton

The rainy conditions this weekend and the unruly temperatures we are all forced to endure are to be blamed solely on Art in the Park said one frustrated meteorologist this weekend from under a broken umbrella. “I noticed that every time Art in the Park rolls around, it rains,” said Vance Elliott, local meteorologist and self-styled weather expert, “so I checked out a few charts and I’ve come to the conclusion that the weather itself has some sort of long-standing grudge against Art in the Park.” Last year the rain caused Willistead Park to resemble a muddy Civil War Army camp, complete with vintage furniture, Thomas Kinkade prints, trinkets for sale and a photo booth ran by a person that may or may not be related to Mathew Brady. One local woman who was attempting to browse some old lithographs was heard saying, “The weather clearly has it out for Art in the Park, and I just discovered in the worst way possible that there’s a hole in the bottom of my shoe. It’s alright, I didn’t want dry feet anyway.”

For a possible solution to this problem, Elliott has contacted a therapist who is an expert in conflict resolution, Dr. Melissa J. Arnold, who plans on using her unorthodox techniques to finally discover what the hell is wrong with the weather in this city. “My methods are quite… odd,” reveals Dr. Arnold. “I plan on leaving a padded bat in an open field somewhere in this city. I will then instruct the weather to pick up the bat and use it on whomever is bothering it. It can hit the person or persons as many times as it likes and it will never hurt it. I just hope it’s never seen the episode of The Simpsons I’m ripping this idea off of, because they figured out a way around that.” Alternatively, Dr. Arnold has offered the weather an open invitation to speak to her whenever it likes, and has let it know that if it ever wants to vent or talk about something, she is there to listen at any time, unless she’s busy.

A group of concerned citizens in Windsor, specifically Walkerville have gathered together and plan on performing a “No Rain Dance” before next year’s Art in the Park. “Organizers have threatened to hold it inside of a high school gym if it keeps on raining on them every year, and we really, really don’t want that,” said a concerned Murray Ellison, one of the concerned citizens said in a concerned voice when he related his concerns to us, “so we are going to have a No Rain Dance.” When asked what a No Rain Dance consists of, Ellison explained that it was essentially a group of about 15 people getting together in the middle of a clearing in the forest and doing the Electric Slide in unison, followed by doing either the Hustle or the Watusi, depending on the song. It’s an effective method as well. According to Ellison, his research shows that the Incas did it in the Atacama Desert in Peru nearly 400 years ago and it hasn’t rained there since.

Art in the Park organizers welcome any and all efforts to stop the rain, and are frankly tired of the horrifically bad weather conditions which they are forced to endure, year after year. “I’m so sick of this stupid weather,” said one organizer. “All I did was make a joke one year about it never raining during Art in the Park and the weather must have took that as a challenge and hasn’t forgotten it since. Weather, if you’re listening, I hate you. I hate everything about you. What are you going to do? Make it really hot again or bring us a hurricane? We are all so very, very scared. Now someone fetch me a Rockwell print so I can stare at it and calm down before I lose my bloody mind.”

 

 

A Very Honest Weather Forecast – May 22 to May 26

Tuesday, May 22

 

Sun, clouds, chance of rain. Maybe it will be windy, maybe it wont. It might be a nice day to take your dog for a walk if you have one. I noticed a lot of people have Jack Russell Terriers these days. Have you noticed that? They are cool dogs. A little hyper but they are awesome.

Temperature – Whatever it turns out to be, who knows? I’m thinking warm.

 

 

Wednesday, May 23

 

Clouds, puffy ones drifting by. Maybe some sun, maybe not. I think it might rain. I have a feeling. Don’t ask me how I know, or what time it will rain, because I have no idea. I just have a pretty good feeling it will rain at some point on Wednesday. Hey, if I’m right, cool. If not, that’s cool too – never said I knew what I was talking about. It might be a good day to stay in and watch a movie when you’re finished with what ever you had to do that day. I suggest watching The King’s Speech. Great movie. If that’s not your thing, watch some old episodes of Friends if you have them on DVD or Netflix or something.

Temperature – Warmish, probably.

 

 

Thursday, May 24

 

Probably going to be humid. It’s been a real dry heat lately, hasn’t it? A friend of mine told me that our weather lately has felt like it does in Southern California. Pretty soon we’ll be able to grow palm trees. Wouldn’t that be crazy? So anyway, I figure why not mix it up a little and say it’s going to be a little more humid than it has been. It’s also definitely not going to snow. That much I know. If it does snow, then please don’t write an angry letter to me.

Temperature – Warm, maybe really warm. Almost 100 percent sure of that.

 

 

Friday, May 25

 

Ah Fridays. I love them. For this Friday I’m guessing it will be warm again, and I’m guessing there will be some sun involved in that warmth. A good day for a barbecue with friends. Maybe it will be really hot, so if you have a pool, now’s the time to go swimming. Play Marco Polo, or toss a football around. If it rains, oh well, it has to stop eventually, right? Plus rain is good for the grass and flowers.

Temperature – Hot. Really crazy hot. So hot you will wish it was snowing. Maybe I’m wrong. We’ll just have to wait and see.

 

Saturday, May 26

 

Massive thunderstorms, tornadoes, flash floods and an earthquake. Everyone should start panicking right now. Basements will be flooded. Roads washed out. The river will overflow – nah I’m just kidding. I really have no idea what the weather will be like on Saturday, and neither does any meteorologist.

Temperature – Your guess is as good as mine, but judging from the time of the year, probably warm.

 

 

Scientists Confirm Sky is Actually Falling

By Brendan Houghton

In a terrifying press conference yesterday, scientists confirmed that yes, the sky is actually falling, and no, we all weren’t paranoid freaks after all. “Your worst fears have come true everyone,” said scientist Anthony Maple during the press conference. “The sky is expected to fall 80 percent tomorrow and another 20 percent the next day, culminating in a 100 percent drop by the end of the week.” Members of the assembled press began piling up the chairs that they were previously sitting in and lighting them on fire. Other members of the press quietly wondered just exactly who brought lighter fluid into a press conference, but were soon distracted by the rush of people towards the door.

“I always knew this would happen again,” said long time Windsor resident and weather expert Louis St. Aubin from his comfortable easy chair yesterday. “It happened once in 1951, after a good strong rain storm, it did. Always knew this day would come again, just didn’t think it would happen so gradually.” Many residents of Windsor are now scrambling to get their hands on food and supplies as the impending doom of the sky falling upon each and every one of us reaches nearer and nearer. “I just bought 87 boxes of apples. 904 litres of Pepsi and 533 bags of chips. The big bags,” said one shopper, mad with hunger and crippling fear. The scene at several local grocery stores was that of pure, unadulterated bedlam. One store manager was heard saying, “Haven’t seen it this busy since the night before the 3rd game of the 2002 Stanley Cup. A lot of good employees quit that evening after the scanner broke and the pricing guns kept on jamming up.”

City Hall, in a written statement urged all residents not to jump to any conclusions.  “We advise everyone to stay as calm as possible during this time.  We need to form a feasibility committee and then hash out the next phase of our plan before we can reach any conclusions.”  Mayor Eddie Francis was reassuring when we reached him for comment.  “People need to just calm the heck down, already.  Every time something interesting happens in this city, like the sky falling, people always freak out and stop listening to the experts who, in this case, remind us that the sky is definitely falling at a slow, predicable rate.  There’s really nothing to worry about.  Now, wish me a safe flight, and I’ll see you all on the other side.”  The Mayor then entered a private jet and sped off to some unknown location.

Not all residents of Windsor are taking this news poorly. One local inventor, Roger MacTavish is overjoyed at the announcement. “I invented an underground home. The basic idea is that people live underground most of the time. Air gets let in through a venting system. With the sky falling this way of living is now essential, I think. They called me crazy when I started, but who’s laughing now?” MacTavish has reported to us that he has not, as of yet, received any orders for his underground homes, but he expects his phone to ring any minute. “I put the ads in places that people congregate, like the Peace Beacon and that bulletin board right near the teacher’s college at the University.” During our interview, MacTavish kept checking his phone, periodically blaming the lack of calls on bad reception from his bunker, but it was to no avail.

“People can expect to feel the sky around them as they walk, and as they try to move around the city tomorrow,” said weather scientist Anthony Maple while hiding behind a fern after all hell broke loose. “The sky feels very much like wind, except it has much more of a ‘sky-ish’ feeling to it. It’s hard to explain to a layperson, such as yourself.” When asked about his credentials, Maple became skittish and tried changing the subject. “Did you know that the sun is actually a star? A lot of people don’t know that. If it expands to a red giant, we will all most certainly perish from the intense heat and radiation. That’s something else to worry about, but make sure you don’t tell anyone. I’m so sick of the smell of lighter fluid.”

Psychic Meteorologist’s Weather Report, Thursday, March 29, 2012

Tomorrow, moderate chance of sunshine, followed by a moderate chance of cloud cover.

Temperatures to remain at moderate levels, moderately rising and falling throughout the day.

Overnight predicted to be dark, followed by a period of increasing light.

Slight chance of a shower of frogs and first contact with an extraterrestrial species.