By Brendan Houghton
A bumbling, pathetically bad and hilariously inept robber claims that he was “just kidding” when his attempted robbery of a local convenience store was fumbled by his own horrific penmanship and his own skittish personality. “I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Sgt. Henry Davis of the Windsor Police in an interview following the incident. “His penmanship was really bad, I mean, really, really bad. I could barely read it. In fact I couldn’t read it at all. My eyes felt like vomiting.”
James Kenshaw, a 43 year old Windsor man walked into the East Windsor Convenience at 8:44pm last night and handed a crumpled note to the cashier, Don Quenville, who studied the poorly written note for a few minutes before asking another customer what the note said. “I looked at it, then I got out my reading glasses and looked again,” said Quenville, “and I still couldn’t read a thing, so I called over a customer who just walked in and she said she couldn’t read it either, so we both asked the guy what the heck the note said, and he just looked really nervous, started to sweat and his eyes got really shifty and he didn’t say anything.” The robber then took the note back, cleared his throat and began speaking; presumably in an attempt to read his note aloud, but his voice was shaky, and a barely audible squeak was heard emitting from his mouth.
“I heard him having a bit of trouble getting his voice out, so I loudly told him to, ‘Speak up or get the hell out of here,’ and he jumped a little when I started to yell,” said Quenville, “but there’s nothing that annoys me more than someone who just can’t spit it out. Just say it, I wont bite your damn head off.” Just as the robber was about to make his well thought out proclamation, a men’s slow-pitch softball team piled into the East Windsor Convenience, intent on buying several cases of energy drinks. A resourceful Quenville then asked a member of the softball team, Darryl Hines if he could read the note. “I took a stab at it, and I think I read the word, ‘money’ on it, so I said that I think he was asking for some money or something,” said Hines, “and the store owner told the weird sweaty guy that he’s not a charity and that if he wants some money then he’d better work for it like everyone else. I think he thought the guy was panhandling. This seemed to frustrate the weird guy who snatched the note from my hand and then I think he was about to read the note out loud when our rival team came in the store and we all had a massive shouting match with each other over a play which had ended the game. A bullshit call by the ump. Typical.”
When both rival teams finally left the store with several cases of energy drinks and 2 litre bottles of pop, Kenshaw remained in the store. He took out the note again, and with trembling hands unfolded it and began to read its contents. “He just got finished telling me that I needed to hand over the money in the register or I was going to get hurt when a couple of cops walked in the store,” said Quenville. “The robber didn’t notice them walking up behind him and just as he was saying, ‘Empty the register,’ one of the cops put him in an arm-lock and dropped him to the ground.”
“The two officers arrested the assailant without incident, and he was overheard saying that he was, ‘Just kidding,’ about the whole thing, and that we were overreacting,” said Sgt. Davis. Speaking from his holding cell at Police Headquarters, Kenshaw was still adamant that this was all an elaborate practical joke. “I really was just joking around with the guy,” said Kenshaw. “He seemed like he was in a bad mood, and those loud softball players didn’t make him any happier, so I thought I’d give the guy a little bit of a laugh. People are just too sensitive nowadays.”
Kenshaw’s lawyer, Brian Hencliffe believes that his client is clearly innocent, and that because no one can possibly read the contents of the letter, then there is no way to prove his client had really, seriously intended on robbing the East Windsor Convenience. “My client was unarmed, had absolutely no weapons on him at all,” said Hencliffe. “Sure he has been in trouble before with over 35 previous robbery and theft convictions, but who among us is an angel? He was clearly joking around with a shopkeeper and this joke got out of hand.” To further prove his client’s innocence, and to perhaps head the police off at the pass, Hencliffe has hired world-renowned handwriting expert Dr. Geraldine Norris to examine the note. After a few hours of analysis she found that the note had said, “I have a gun. Hand over the money in the register now, or you’ll get really hurt. -JK.” “The ‘JK’ we see in the note clearly establishes that my client, James Kenshaw was, ‘just kidding,’ about robbing the East Windsor Convenience Store,” said Hencliffe. “’JK’ in ‘Internets Lingo’ means, ‘Just kidding,’ and this proves beyond a shadow of a doubt my client’s innocence.”
The date for trial has yet to be determined. Kenshaw continues to await his court date in jail and has vowed not to take lessons in penmanship. “Why mess up a good thing?” says Kenshaw. “Even if they could read my handwriting, they’d never get my comedy anyway. This same thing happened last July when I wore a ski mask into a bank – no one found that funny either.”
THE WINDSOR NAYSAYER 