By Laura Pinto
The Windsor Naysayer was the first to report the growing epidemic of the bureaupathology virus (also known as Gogol Fever and Weberian Flu) among school administrators in Essex County in an earlier edition. At 9:35 AM this morning, Windsor City Hall was quarantined after confirmation that a rare strain of the Weberian Flu infected nearly all municipal workers.
Chief Medical Examiner of the Canadian Organization for Disease Control (CODC), Dr. Usha Sengupta was brought in to assess the situation.
“We knew something was brewing when our data centre noticed a spike in sales of overcoats at Freed’s,” says Dr. Sengupta. “But we certainly didn’t expect this. Quite frankly, we’ve never seen anything like it, and this is the first recorded instance of a large-scale quarantine for this new and highly contagious strain of the virus.”
University of Windsor medical researcher Dr. Jerome Chimpden was among the first to document the range of new symptoms presented by municipal workers. “In addition to the impulsive purchase of at least one overcoat, victims begin regurgitating red tape,” he explains. “It’s quite horrific to watch. This is followed by the onset of a fever and data hallucinations. Pretty soon, all they talk about are key performance indicators while compulsively building data walls and creating pie charts.”
As the Naysayer reported earlier, there has been a twenty-fold jump in reported cases of the virus since 1997, and the disease costs governments and communities an estimated $40 billion worldwide.
In a press conference earlier today, Windsor Mayor Eddie Francis downplayed the epidemic.
“Reports of the so-called disease are greatly exaggerated,” the Mayor told members of the press as he attempted to conceal something that looked like shards of red ribbon falling from his left ear.
“Let me just say remind you that Windsor has had a 90% rate of success in overcoming any sort of adversity,” he continued, “which is 3% more than any other comparable municipality in Canada. No only that, but our economic recovery has been steady at 38.96784% when triangulated against Ministry of Municipal Affairs and Housing projections between 2005 and 2012.”
Researchers at Windsor pharmaceutical giant Sharke LLC have been battling round the clock to develop and market the first vaccine, but the earliest possible release would be 2015.
“Sadly, I’m afraid we won’t be able to help the city workers this time” says Dr. Ari Xekomimos, who is supervising the vaccine trials. “Unless, of course, Mayor Francis lobbies to lift the Ministry of Health testing period for new vaccines.”
Windsor residents are urged to be on heightened alert for symptoms of infection. Once again, the CODC and the local public health unit recommend high levels of personal hygiene and washing hands with soap and water regularly. Individuals suspected of infection should immediately go to their nearest hospital for assessment.
It is not known when the City Hall quarantine will be lifted.
THE WINDSOR NAYSAYER 